The Bolts and Screws Story
by madwriter223 -TF
Summary: Everyone has heard the ol' Birds&Bees talk. Do Autobots hear a similar story? Are you sure all of them ahve heard it? I'm pretty sure the Dinobots haven't. XD Humor, a little romanse, and a very angry Ratchet. Bunny response.


Bunny by lapinporokoira of lj. The bunny is located at the end.

**The Bolts and Screws Story**

And the day had started so normally. He had gotten up, drank his morning ration, yelled at the Twins, chatted with Ironhide, went to his Infirmary, yelled at the Twins, fixed up the Twins and the victims of their latest prank, worked on Prowl's glitch, discussed the incoming troop-examinations with Prime, then yelled at the Twins again.

He had been on his break when Sludge and Slag had literally burst into the rec-room (note to self: explain the advantages of waiting for the doors to open before entering), and run up to him.

After a few moments of hysterical wailing and ununderstandable screaming, the two Dinobots had simply grabbed him and run back to whence they came.

Which turned out to be the Dinobot joined-quarters. And inside was a less grumpy, more worried Snarl, a frantic Grimlock, and an obviously-in-pain Swoop.

Ratchet had immediately stopped yelling his demands for the glitches to stop, and approached the flyer, looking him over, taking his readings and scanning him.

What he found had him ordering the Dinobots to get Swoop to the infirmary NOW, first to make a more detailed and determinable scan, which led to contacting Wheeljack to help deal with the situation.

And now he stood in front of the stock-still Prime, the inventor right at his side, and the two waited for the inevitable explosion.

"He WHAT?!" There it was.

Ratchet didn't bother repeating, and continued. "All Dinobots are fine now. Sludge, Slag and Snarl calmed down immediately after the ..., so you don't have to worry about any more rampages through the corridors. Swoop is energon-depleted, but stable and after some recharge should be good as new. Grimlock is no longer that protective, so you may inform Ironhide he can enter the Infirmary without having to worry about being thrown through a wall again. Said wall is being repaired as we speak. The little one is stable, the Spark separated without any complications, and settled nicely into the spark-chamber. He should finish integration within the joor."

Prime blinked, and Ratchet wished the face-mask wasn't on so he could witness the other's expression fully. Bet his jaw was hanging.

"How... how could this..." Prime rubbed at his brow-plate, his shoulders sagging as he tried to process it. But then his CPU threatened to crash, so he settled on one simple question. "How in the Pit did this happen?!"

"Well, when two bots love each other very, very much-"

"Ratchet." A warning tone, delivered with just a touch of a growl.

"Well, considering that we're at a war, and the Dinobots are essentially younglings," Ratchet and Wheeljack shared a look. "We never thought they needed to hear the whole 'bolts and screws' story."

"If they didn't know how, how could they make a sparkling."

Wheeljack shifted in slight mental discomfort. "They may have asked about sex... some time ago."

"Sex?" Optimus blinked.

"Yes. Human sex, I don't know where they heard the term originally."

"And...?"

"And because Wheeljack is a prude even in human sexual phenomena, he told them to find someone else to explain 'sex'."

"Spike?"

"Jazz."

"Jazz?"

"Yes."

"I thought because he was interested in human culture, he'd know how to explain it."

Ratchet gave the inventor a glare. "He did. With pictures, video and audio."

Wheeljack hung his helm, wringing his servos.

"Alright. As inappropriate as it was, Jazz explained it. How did that lead to our situation?"

Ratchet sighed. "I quote: 'We Dinobots think 'sex' fun, so we Dinobots try. But sometimes him Grimlock's and him Swoop's chests open, and it glowy ball thing-y makes nice feeling.' In translation, they were trying to have sex as humans, and ended up merging. And thus we arrive at the little one I delivered today."

"And he didn't notice that he was carrying?"

"Apparently, Swoop knows to pay attention to his brothers' malfunctions and the like, but can masterfully ignore his own."

Prime face-palmed. "Wonderful."

Ratchet made a sound of agreement, then cleared his vocalizer. "Now if you'll excuse me, I have to explain to the Dinobots that sparklings are not a toy, teach them how to take care of the little one, and complete their education."

Prime frowned at the last part. "You mean about merging? Why bother, apparently they already know."

"Indeed, however because the first person they asked is a _coward_, and the second forgot to mention a certain little tid-bit, I get to have the inexplicable pleasure of explaining to the Dinobots and Dinobitlet that SEX MAKES BABIES!!" The CMO ended up yelling that last bit into Wheeljack's face-plates, then stomped off to the Infirmary.

Wheeljack stared after him, frowning guiltily. He knew that he should have just explained human mating rituals to the Dinobots, and he probably should have mentioned that Cybertronian and human 'intimate acts' are quite similar and end up with the same result, but...

Sex...ew. Just ew.

The bunny is as follows:

The Dinobots were built during the time of war and so it never cropped up to tell them how Cybertronian's created life . So when Swoop through accidental trial makes himself pregnant, they realise perhaps they should have said something.


End file.
